I’m nervous. I’m not sleeping well. The greatest challenge of my life is one month away and I have yet to start planning it: Christmas dinner. Everything will be riding on it. Not just my self-respect; the respect of my gender – every man who has ever said to his stay at home wife, “Hey, I’d take your job in a minute.” Well, she gave it to me. It’s all mine. And now I’ve got to deliver. Put a stunning meal on the table this Christmas; one that lets my hard working, career-driven wife know she married the right …well …wife.
Let me be frank. I’ve survived these last few months on nothing but moxie, a crock-pot, and a copy of Cooking for Idiots. And now I’m staring at one hard cold fact: not only have I never cooked a Christmas dinner, I can’t recall having eaten one. I’m a Jew: a Jew, who pompously volunteered to cook for his Cuban wife and her family on their most important Holiday of the year. What the hell was I thinking? If some couch potato wants to firm up, you don’t tell him to enter a marathon. You tell him to walk a little, then jog a bit, see if he can eventually work himself up to a mile. Yet here I am, a couch potato running a marathon, a culinary novice planning the mother of all meals: Christmas Dinner. Yikes!
Considering everybody on your holiday gift list – friends, family,
co-workers, neighbors, your kids' teachers – you might be needing a
stimulus package before you even get to the big-ticket items this year.
So why not take a page from your grandmother's playbook and make the
smaller gifts yourself?
Every Christmas morning, my sisters and I tumble downstairs, pause
to survey the adorned Douglas Fir and its outlying territory, then
continue to the kitchen. It’s a family tradition that before
fingertips ever meet wrapping paper, we sit down to a big breakfast of
bagels and lox and scrambled eggs with onions. In my less ripe years,
I considered this practice illogical frivolous excruciating;
however—predictably—as the son of God’s
Ever since reading Rousseau’s 
, the idea of the origin myth has compelled me to wonder at the root of things. I treasure the O.E.D., find it fascinating that Hammer Pants were born out of misread lyrics during development of the U Can’t Touch This video, and relish in the ongoing debate over how the Caesar salad came to be.