Oddities and Obsessions

On Life After Twinkies

hallie ephron Imagine life without Twinkies? A year ago Hostess Brands went into bankruptcy. This week, in the wake of a labor strike, it sounds as if they may be winding down operations permanently.

I've never been a Twinkies fan, but I love the word. Just for example, from a Seinfeld show, Jerry describes Newman: "He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie." It doesn't even have to make sense to be funny.

And in Blue Man Group, the blue men watch intently as a volunteer from the audience tries to eat a Twinkie with a knife and fork. Do not ask me why this is hilarious. It just is.

And even though I may have eaten four of them in my entire life, just say the word and I can smell those sugary vapors that escape when you tear open the package. I remember what it's like to bite the yellow sponge-rubbery cushions of cake and into white filling with the resistance of shaving cream. I can feel the oleaginous residue left (for hours) on the roof of the mouth.

Tomato Garlic Mash Schmeer

monestoms 10-15 medium size tomatoes (Early Girls or even plump Romas will do) - thinly sliced
1 cup sun dried tomatoes packed in olive oil thinly sliced
1 bulb garlic - cloves mashed
2 medium onions thinly sliced
1 cup minced kalamatas
Juice 1 lemon and zest 1/2 lemon
1 heaping teaspoon smoked paprika
1.5 teaspoons salt
3/4 cup sake or dry white wine

Olive oil

This is best cooked in a 12-inch nonstick fry pan but a smaller one will do.

1. Heat under medium heat a good amount olive oil to thickly coat pan. Add tomatoes and onions.

2. Turn heat down after 10 minutes to low and add all ingredients but sake; cover and cook for 1 hour, stirring occasionally.

3. After one hour remove cover and add sake - taste and add more salt if necessary and turn heat to medium - cook until all sake has evaporated and turn heat down to low and cook about 5 minutes stirring to keep mixture from sticking.

4. Serve in bowl - schmeer on thick sliced bread or if you can control yourself, refrigerate leftovers and serve as a sandwich spread

Paul Mones @ 2013

Mail-Order BBQ

Confession: I love food that comes in the mail.

I, also love having something in the freezer just in case we decide on a whim to have eight people for dinner tomorrow night. Or tonight for that matter, but this only works if you decide this early enough in the day to defrost whatever it is you have in the freezer just in case you’re entertaining on a whim.

A few weeks ago, I was sent samples from Edwards & Sons Virginia Traditions BBQ. It was summer and I was really excited to get them, especially since the samples included an entire pork roast butt (completely suitable for a dinner party of eight or more).

I don’t write about things that are sent to me unless I love them. Those “crabcakes” from Baltimore come to mind, the ones that sort of resembled a baseball. We tried everything – we even put them in a tomato sauce and put them on top of spaghetti – no luck. A crabcake should not resemble a meatball!

Celebrity Stalker

postcard-chicago Have you ever met a famous person and felt let down? I have.

Years ago, I was obsessed with an actor in a series of television commercials. Obsessed. I stopped what I was doing to watch his overly aired ad. I was in love. He not only had charisma, but attitude. Not hot like Johnny Depp or anything, but he possessed that je ne sais quoi.

I just HAD to meet him. There had been a lot of publicity about him and I knew one thing — he lived in Chicago. Well, I just happened to be in that very city. So, I made a few phone calls. I was an actor in commercials, he was an actor in commercials. I knew people. Those people knew his people. Someone pulled some strings.

A man from a huge ad agency would be picking me up at my hotel. My actor lived outside the city. A 45-minute drive. Some really nice person I didn’t even know was willing to make the introduction.

I’m beyond excited. I got all geared up, couldn’t sleep the night before. I never cared much about how I looked, yet I dressed my best. Put on a little makeup. I was ready early, waiting for the car in front of the hotel, over-the-top excited. It would be magic when I met my crush live and in person. We would run into each other’s arms and he would insist on living with me for rest of his life. I’m talking non-stop to this random ad agency dude the whole ride out about my deep infatuation. He’s humoring me, pretending to be in rapt attention.

Coelodonta Thibetana Soup, yum.

What exciting news this past week! “The Woolly Rhino – a new species of ancient rhinoceros found in Tibet.” And, it's only 3.7 million years old!

Not that my first thought was how to prepare a Woolly Rhino that has aged for 3½ million years, (obviously one can forego the tenderizer) and if it is that ancient, how long should I cook it. Well, actually it was my first thought, though I hardly think it would be a Paleontologist’s.

Not without guile, I turned to the internet for Woolly Rhino recipes, and – quite naturally since you can find anything on the internet – I found one on CLUTCHFITNESS.COM: where research meets reality! (“a cutting edge power building, body building, fitness and nutrition forum”)

Oddities and Obsessions