Although predicted to be arriving in the two thousand tweens, the age of "Artificial Humor," or A.H., is too quickly upon us in these waning, whining days of 2009, and contemporary artists are feeling threatened by the competition.
“We never thought it would happen to us,” said Woody Allen, once considered the Jews’ Jewel spewer of comic genius, now competing with an avatar of his early stand up persona which is WRITING NEW ALLENESQUE MATERIAL! “Machines originating intelligence (A.I.) and music (A.M.) seem logical, but artificial comedians? Sure, plenty of funny looking Baby Boomer kids mimicked me in the old days, but now I’ve been completely cloned by some computer. At least they waited til Dangerfield was dead…the lucky dog.”
The late Dangerfield’s avatar has been booked to perform for a week in Vegas via a Powerpoint presentation this Chanukah, and seats sold out mere moments after going on sale. It’s also featured as a nude centerfold in this month’s “Wired” Magazine, which is watching the "Artificial Humor" movement closely.
A Pixar computer animator, preferring to remain anonymous, designed the Woody Allen character as a Rosh Hashana gift to his brother. He’s quoted as saying that when the avatar suddenly took over, creating its own take on the “I shot a moose” material, he thought he was dreaming it.
“The avatar began to improvise on Allen’s stuff from the 60’s. I went to bed, and when I woke up it had made its own MP3 – forty minutes of killer material – and gotten itself a manager.”
“The crossover potential is enormous,” says that wunderkind manager, a young human named David Landau. He has opened Landau’s Avatar Agency, to which no human comedians may apply, and is signing eerily talented bots and avatars like crazy. "They can work in film and TV, and soon their holograms will work in clubs, too....And they're getting funnier every day from experience."
When asked if any differences between the real Allen and the artificial one were apparent, he said, “I think all virtual talent is non-Jewish so far—like the Simms—it hasn’t got that hamisha intonation down yet. But,” he ominously added, “…it will.”
The Allen avatar’s “I shot a deer,” bit, in which a nice WASP couple impersonating a deer at a costume party are shot and stuffed by accident, may not incite the guffaws of Allen’s original bit, but the element of surprise currently works in its favor, says avatar aficionado Matt Drudge in his online “Drudge Report.”
“Let’s face it, it’s a new world,” Drudge pontificates. “These virtual comics are so much less trouble than real ones—no egos, no entourage, no insurance, no fancy food or conditions. They can work 366/25/8 under any conditions without complaining. It’s the business model of the future. Any comic worth his salt should be avatared instantly—more bang for the buck. If the original is booked, he, or she emails the avatar to fill in—no plane ticket, no first class accommodations—it’s a win win.”
Jerry Seinfeld, who is opening for his own avatar in the Catskills this month tells Woody, “Join the club. Mine is an overnight success. It builds exponentially on tricks it learned from me and writes really radical observational stuff, mostly about Geeks, which is not my world. It can have it, as far as I’m concerned.”
When asked why he’d play second fiddle to his own avatar by taking lesser billing, he shrugged sheepishly “Hey. If you can’t beat em, book em.”
“I anticipated that machines would soon surpass human intelligence; but I never thought bots and avatars would be talented, let alone funny,” admitted Ray Kurzweil, author of such future shock tomes as The Age of Intelligent Machines. “The exponential growth of computer capacities may soon swallow up any need for human artists.” Kurzweil foresaw computers surpassing humans at chess, and is also known for knowing how many bots it takes to screw up a psychologist.
“Not many, these days,” he opines. The comic bots and avatars are studying the material of Mel Brooks and Richard Lewis and the like and going to psychotherapists and assimilating complexes and neuroses in an effort to become more Jewish in their joke structure. They're brain eaters, grasping thoughts and patterns of thinking at the speed of the Net.”
Comedy is not the only talent threatened by computers. While sophisticated computer games like Guitar Hero XI, Beatles and Rock Band VII are promising to trump music teachers in terms of educational appeal to a younger generation, those programs beginning to compose will be a pivotal moment for the music industry.
Said Clive Davis, music industry profits prophet extraordinaire, “I used to think that those talent mills cranking out boy and girl groups in Orlando would be the biggest threat to really gifted artists. A few harmonies and dance moves on some sexy young kids, a pushy manager, some well placed scandals and you’ve had these venue fillers on your hands. But then Beyonce, Justin and the Jonas brothers turned out to be pretty talented.”
When asked to critique these new A.H. comic replicants, Davis said: “These avatars are technically good at comedy—perfect timing and delivery, maybe a little too perfect–and it’s just a matter of time before they accomplish being loose and silly instead of creepy. This whole Artificial Talent and Artificial Humor thing scares me – I never saw it coming. I’m considering retiring immediately.”
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DISCLAIMER: All statements and quotations herein are artificial (A.Q.). No celebrity was interviewed or harmed in the writing of this article…by a human.