Children Are Assholes

They say that being a mom is the hardest job in the world.

I don't doubt it.

My dad always said that children were like small drunk adults. They walk around with little regard for their safety, they say stupid things, and they vomit. I am probably not going to have them. And I'm going to be real: I don't want to get fat. I don't want my body to change into something I don't recognize. But most importantly, I don't have the patience to be a mom. I have no idea how my mom put up with me. I would sabotage grade school Christmas shows by dressing as Michael Jackson. I would argue about everything, especially regarding bike safety (I didn't care that my helmet was a Barbie licensed helmet damnit.) I wouldn't eat anything she cooked.

In short, I was an asshole. My mom would probably disagree, and that is why she is awesome. That's why good moms are awesome. They love you regardless of the dumb shit you do when you're a child. I don't think I have that kind of patience. If my child acted up in public I would probably say, "Stop it, you look stupid." And that's not what good mothers do or say. Insert Joan Crawford reference here. You know you want to.

My mom and I are roomies now (don't ask) and honestly, I dig it. She's my best friend. We're the Gilmore Girls without the fast talking and dated pop culture references. But if we're going to go there, Logan sucked and Jess forever. We get along really well 98% of the time, and we laugh about the other 2% later. She supports me in everything I do, and I realize how lucky I am to have that constant support in my life.

I'm not a total monster, some kids are surprisingly cool. Some kids are like little adults but without the burdens of life. Who wouldn't want to hang out with someone like that? This is why I would rather be Uncle Almie than Almie the mom. Yes, I refer to myself as Uncle Almie. I don't know when or why that started, but I like it. I know my brother is going to have kids and he'll be great at it and I'll say, "Hey little dudes, come over" like Uncle Jesse and we'll have fun and then I get to hand them over to the people who have to deal with their small adult drunkeness full-time.

So thanks mom, for never thinking I was an asshole.


Almie Rose is a writer based in Los Angeles. She has contributed to thecollegecrush.com, thisrecording.com, msmagazine.com/blog, offourchests.com and has a regular relationship column in Genlux Magazine.