The Hollow Bunny

robert_keats.jpgbunny_lg.jpg I noticed a pattern developing midway through my wonder years. It was spring, and the world was once again filled with chocolate Easter bunnies. Some were solid chocolate, others were hollow. I always got the hollow bunny. And still do. Not by choice, and not because of bad luck. It goes beyond bad luck – like walking into a great bakery, getting the ticket with the number “1” on it, and finding out there are a hundred people ahead of you.

At six years old, I began to realize that, in some weird way, my life was being defined by the hollow bunny. It was affecting my world view. Not that I had suddenly figured out how to deal with disappointment, I hadn’t. But I did learn to embrace irony.

Simply put, the world is divided into two kinds of people – those who get the hollow bunny and those who get the solid one. It has nothing to do with fame, fortune, looks, brains, talent, or even likeability. It’s just a difference in mindset.

Take, for example, Larry David in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” – which, by the way, is the definitive title for those of us in the hollow bunny crowd. If Larry took a chocolate bunny to his doctor and had it x-rayed to find out if it was solid or hollow – and was told it was solid – by the time he got home, he’d be biting into a hollow bunny.

But the hollow bunny isn’t just reserved for comedians. Many presidents wind up with it. Recipients have included Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter and Bush 41.

Ronald Reagan enjoyed a lifetime of solid bunnies, even during Iran-Contra. And Bill Clinton still does, despite having been impeached.

Even George Bush gets the solid bunny, when, the fact is, he shouldn’t get a bunny at all.

Make your own list, pick your own people – friends, family, celebrities, politicians, TV and movie characters, it doesn’t matter. You’ll know right away who gets which one. And if you don’t know, let me take this opportunity to welcome you to the world of the hollow bunny.


Robert Keats is a screenwriter and humorist.