Wolfer

A few years ago, my sister Laraine and I were having lunch on Larchmont at one of my favorite sushi restaurants, redundantly called California Roll and Sushi Fish. (My sister is Laraine Newman, of SNL fame and a regular contributor to this website.) My seat was facing out toward the other tables and Laraine was facing me. We had ordered and were both very hungry.

Sitting alone against the opposite wall, beyond Laraine, was a young, slender, beautiful Asian woman. I couldn’t look at my sister without seeing her too. Her clothes were perfect, her hair and make-up were perfect. She was perfect. Her sashimi arrived. She slowly poured soy sauce into the little soy sauce dish, slowly picked up her chopsticks, slowly pinched off a tiny bit of wasabi, slowly mixed it with the soy sauce, slowly picked up a piece of fish, slowly dragged it back and forth through the soy sauce, and ever so slowly lifted it to her mouth. Then she actually put the chopsticks down, stared straight ahead and slowly chewed. You get the idea. She was a perfect eater. She’s not likely to ever choke on her food.

A few years ago, my sister Laraine and I were having lunch on Larchmont at one of my favorite sushi restaurants, redundantly called California Roll and Sushi Fish. (My sister is Laraine Newman, of SNL fame and a regular contributor to this website.) My seat was facing out toward the other tables and Laraine was facing me. We had ordered and were both very hungry.

Sitting alone against the opposite wall, beyond Laraine, was a young, slender, beautiful Asian woman. I couldn’t look at my sister without seeing her too. Her clothes were perfect, her hair and make-up were perfect. She was perfect. Her sashimi arrived. She slowly poured soy sauce into the little soy sauce dish, slowly picked up her chopsticks, slowly pinched off a tiny bit of wasabi, slowly mixed it with the soy sauce, slowly picked up a piece of fish, slowly dragged it back and forth through the soy sauce, and ever so slowly lifted it to her mouth. Then she actually put the chopsticks down, stared straight ahead and slowly chewed. You get the idea. She was a perfect eater. She’s not likely to ever choke on her food.

Laraine was in the middle of telling me something when our yummy looking spicy tataki rolls arrived. Laraine descended upon the largest section with her fingers and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth. She was chewing, talking and gesturing with enviable abandon.

The juxtaposition of these two eaters – Laraine and the perfect Asian lady, spawned the following lyric. Forgive me for saying in the song that I’m dining alone. There’s a limit to what I can say about my sister, whom I love very much. The song is called “Wolfer.”

Enjoy!

WOLFER (9/21/05) Tracy Newman

I’m having lunch by myself At this California Sushi House Using chopsticks to mix wasabi in soy And slowly put the fish in my mouth But all I can think of is wolfing As I casually leaf through a catalogue My hands are shaking from trying to hide my desire to eat like a dog This restraint is typical of me I don’t like to show any need Wolfer, I never wolf No one has ever seen me Wolfing, not even myself I don’t like to see that in me Most men rip into their food Like gluttonous medieval kings In fact, my sister does too So it isn’t a gender thing And none of the wolfers in my life Are known for tolerance or tact They’re not afraid to fly into a rage And can cry at the drop of a hat Whereas I maintain an even keel So nobody knows how I feel Wolfer, I never wolf No one has ever seen me Wolfing, not even myself I don’t seem to have it in me But I’m beginning to see how you wolfers out there have it made – You let off steam then get on with your day

I take the last sip of my tea I loosen my belt a good notch I’m noticing stains on my shirt I’m brushing rice off my crotch So, you can hide all of your hunger And still be surrounded by crumbs Watching me eat is a five minute lesson called “hiding your feelings is dumb” And we know it causes lots of stress My digestive system’s a mess Wolfer, I wanna wolf It seems like the best thing to be Wolfing, all over the place Oh, where is the wolfer in me? Wolfer, we all wanna wolf But what kind of world would it be With only wolfers roaming the earth Don’t we need some non-wolfers Like me?