Genesis - 14:22 “And Avraham said, ‘I lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the God of all Gods, the possessor of Heaven and Earth”.
But little did I know, oh, how could I possibly have known, that Abraham and I would also share a similar taste in women? That I, too, would fall for Sarah. The beautiful …
Genesis – 15:14 “Behold, Sarah art a fair woman to look upon”. …yet barren…
Genesis – 15:16 – “Sarah was barren”
…wife of the first Jew. A woman whose very name, on this particular October Day, caused this particular Hebrew school student to have a missile crisis of his own.
Now up until this point, my schoolboy crushes were exclusively of the secular kind which included, but were not limited to: female classmates, teachers, the school nurse, librarian, the lady in the attendance office who gave us passes when we were tardy, the lady with the moustache who sat on that wooden stool behind the cash register in the lunchroom, the vice-principal, a crossing guard, and three women on the school board.
And yes, there were two other women. Two other visions of feminine pulchritude whose beauty and grace caused this Hebrew schoolboy to stand up, sit down, and make his skullcap spin like a revved up dreydel. One was Dale Evans, the wife of the very popular cowboy Roy Rogers. The other was Jacqueline Kennedy, the wife of the incredibly handsome thirty-fifth president of the United States. The eleven-year-old Avraham Zweibel loved them both. But there were problems.
Dale was married to a Western hero who could shoot me while riding on a horse named Trigger. And Jackie was married to the most powerful man on the face of the Earth who, with just one phone call, could have J. Edgar Hoover cornhole me. Besides, neither of them were Jewish – a detail that would’ve killed my immigrant grandparents faster than you can say, “Yossel, zip up my dress, put on your hat, let’s go downstairs, take the #2 bus, transfer at Flatbush Avenue, get off at Brighton Beach, maybe have a bite to eat, then walk to the water’s edge and drown ourselves in the Atlantic Ocean”.
Enter Sarah. She was perfect. Not only was she of our tribe, but according to Rabbi Levitats she was wise and understanding. Plus, at this point in time, Sarah’s husband had been dead for over 3,000 years – so really, who would I be hurting?
And so what if she was barren? I was only eleven and I knew that fathering a child before I finished sixth grade would be problematic considering all the homework I usually had. So this was perfect…What’s that, Rabbi Levitats? What are you saying?
Genesis – 17:15 “And God said unto Avraham, ‘As for thy wife Sarah, I will bless her and she shall bear you a son and thou shalt call his name Isaac…
Oh, so she wasn’t barren after all. Good thing I found out now, though. Sure, I’d marry Sarah.
Given the opportunity, what red-blooded Hebrew school student wouldn’t have jumped at the prospect of achieving Old Testament immortality by marrying into such a family and forever be referred to as the first Jew-in-law? But as far as fathering her next child… What’s that, Rabbi Levitats?
Genesis – 17:16 “And Avraham covered his face and fell upon his knee and asked the Lord how a child could be born to a man who was one hundred years old and to a wife who was ninety”.
Okay. So, Sarah was ninety. And I was eleven. Fine. So, I’d learn to live without some things. I’d always thought that solid food and direct sunlight were overrated, anyway. The important thing was that I loved this woman so I just sat there thinking and thinking about this withered object of my Hebrew Schoolboy affections when…
Genesis – 22:2 “And the Lord said unto Avraham, “Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a sacrifice upon the mountain I tell thee of’”.
Abraham was taking the kid out of town to kill him! Great! What better time than now to make my move on his ancient wife. So the eleven-year-old Avraham Zweibel saw himself setting off on a trip of his own, back to the biblical town of Canaan, where I came upon a small hut, knocked upon its door, and heard the soft voice of my Sarah say from inside, “Is that you, Avraham?”
“Well, yes and no,” I answered. “I am Avraham Zweibel. But feel free to call me Alan”, I told her as she opened the door with the spunk of a woman two years her junior.
I entered Sarah’s home and was immediately taken as to how truly beautiful she was when as she pointed to the gift I’d brought for her and asked, “What is that?” And oh, how beautiful looked when she laughed, when we both laughed, when I said, “Something that you are not,” as I handed her a spring chicken.
So now that the levity portion of our date was satisfied, I switched gears to show Sarah that, despite my youth, that there was also a sensitive, softer side that I had to offer. “Where is thy husband?” I asked. And I could see the tears begin to well up when she said, “He took our son to the base of a mountain where he plans to tie him to a wooden stake and stab him to death with a hunting knife”.
“With all due respect”, I said, “That doesn’t sound like good parenting” before putting my arm around her and drawing her trembling body closer to mine.
“Oh, Avraham Zweibel”, she said still weeping. “How you understand me so”.
“That’s because I care, Sarah”, I answered while fumbling with the knot on her robe.
“But the one thing I do not understand, Avraham Zweibel, is what this is”.
“It is what we call a zipper, Sarah. Shall I show thee how it works?”
“Oh, yes, Avraham Zweibel. There is so much I can learn from you, Avraham Zweibel. Oh, Avraham Zweibel. Oh, Avraham Zweibel…”
“Avraham Zweibel? Avraham Zweibel?” How odd. Sarah suddenly sounded different. Her voice had somehow just turned manly. Almost like that of an old, astonished, Old World Hebrew School teacher.
“What are you doing?” asked Rabbi Levitats in a tone similar to the one I suspected Isaac used when he saw his father come at him with that hunting knife. Needless to say, I was terrified.
“I’m not doing anything, Rabbi Levitats,” I said - all the while praying that since this was a reform temple the man would mark this incident on an incredibly liberal curve.
“Well, see to it that you aren’t,” is all he said before walking back to the front of the room.
What a relief. A modern day miracle that spared the tumescent Avraham Zweibel from the ultimate humiliation – and taught me to keep my mind from wandering during Hebrew school. Or, in the very least, limit my wanderings to the exploits of the seven original astronauts.
As for me and Sarah, well, let’s just say that our romance was short-lived. I went on to finish my schooling, embark on a career, and start a family; while my beautiful Sarah, an Old Testament creature of habit if there ever was one, opted to remain exactly where she was in the bible. So our paths didn’t cross again until my youngest daughter, Sari, was Bat Mitvahed. And her Haftorah was, I swear, the story about Abraham taking Isaac away to sacrifice him. And throughout the entire service, the torah readings, and her speech I was blushing, just a little.
An original Saturday Night Live writer, Alan Zweibel collaborated with Billy Crystal on his Tony Award winning play "700 Sundays". Most recently, Alan's novel, "The Other Shulman" won the 2006 Thurber Prize for American Humor.