They know when you leave your house. They know when you return.
They know when you have company. They know when your company left.
They know if the brown truck delivered today or yesterday and how many packages were left on your doorstep.
Yes, your buttinsky neighbors, you know the ones; THEY KNOW EVERYTHING...about you.
Ever have the feeling that the minute you set foot outside, someone is peering at you from their blinds across the street or watching your every move from the shadows of a doorway?
It's horrible isn't it? That feeling of reconnaissance surveillance in your own yard. What's wrong with these people? They need to get a life.
I've taken the liberty of categorizing some of them that I've come to know over the years. I'm not sure which one is worse but I've been violated by them all.
What's ironic about it, is sometimes the nosy neighbor actually serves a purpose when there is something you are trying to find out. But mostly they just annoying and are usually there to cause some type of conflict.
So let's give these jerks the names they deserve.
The Looky-Lou Loser: Has no problem going to every open house on the block. Say's they are mostly interested in trying to gain design knowledge or how to rearrange their furniture.
These type of snoops are my most unfavorite of all. Please explain to me why it is okay for someone you know to come check out your bedroom when you're gone? I actually had a neighbor come to my open house because her children wanted to play in my kids rooms. What!!
The Deliberate Boob: Asks totally inappropriate questions or makes uncalled for comments such as, "Is your husband the father of all your children?" or things like, "Have you gained weight." Or lovely comments like, "I would never let cut my hair like that".
The Undercover Mole: Has done background checks on you and counts the amount of wine bottles in your recycling bin every week.
If you don't think this is happening, you are naive.
Inspector Gadget: Has a telescope in the window, wears army fatigues for no apparent reason, binoculars are often around their neck.
This person has surveillance cameras on the whole street. They are paranoid and think someone is out to get them.
Through the Fence Voyeur: You know there is someone watching you in your backyard. You can feel their presence but when you turn around their spying eyes are gone. Freaky huh?
Have you noticed lately that all the little knots in the slats of your fence have been poked out and there are little holes everywhere up and down the wood? Yeah, beware or be very aware.
The Party Pooper: Calls the cops for every noise that's ever made. Every party is shut down before it really gets started. Cars are towed away because they have been parked for 48 hours. Calls the fire department proclaiming your backyard is a fire hazard because of the weeds.
You know who it is, however they think they are anonymous.
The Snooty Snot: Barrels down the street in her new Mercedes SUV. Her kids wear only Ralph Lauren while yours are in early Target hand-me-downs. She watches you only to make herself feel better about who she is.
You don't need her.
The Meddlesome Battleaxe: A consistent and predictable nosy-nelly. Can tell you what time the street-sweeper arrived and departed. Copies down everyones license plate numbers on the block and demands to know whose car that is if it's not immediately recognized. Reports you to the homeowners association if your trashcans aren't pulled in within five minutes of the trash truck arriving.
Just an all around annoying meathead. Often wears slippers all day. Maybe even a housecoat. Gasp!
So which one of these nerds live on your street? Or better yet, are you one of these people?
I need to go close my shades. You should too.
Cathy is currently in the development stages of her vineyard and winery in the Willamette Valley of Oregon. She is a food writer for Davis Life Magazine and blogs daily about wine, food and everyday living. She lives with her husband and two sons. You can visit her at noblepig.com.