Holiday Catalogue Shopping

by Laraine Newman
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ImageTis the season of Catalogues and I was flipping through the Bed Bath and Beyond Catalogue and besides realizing that it's absorbed Sharper Image, I noticed that the Catalogue itself was pretty fuckin’ funny.

I’ve always assumed BB&B to be at least a step above Fly Mall and one that I believe might be local simply called Home Improvement. Both these catalogues have the kind of products you can easily imagine being pitched and approved on those ‘invention’ game shows. Like the device that bores through the center of a piece of candy to determine what’s inside. If it turns out to be something disgusting, like marzipan, you can just place the perfectly shaped plug you drilled back into the candy, warm it with your fingers and nobody’s the wiser. Genius!

So, when I was going through my BB&B today, I never expected to see ads for ‘ladies leggings’ (no possessive apostrophe for the ‘s’) Meant, I’m sure, to look like a segment of a Rockette’s line of disembodied legs, it resembled more an ad for the movie Human Centipede. This is a movie, which only warrants the trailer, but basically people are connected face to anus. On the opposite page was the Rechargeable Mangroomer. A do-it-yourself back hair shaver. It’s fully adjustable and extendable fellas. I hope it comes with a do-it-yourself first aid kit.

ImageTis the season of Catalogues and I was flipping through the Bed Bath and Beyond Catalogue and besides realizing that its absorbed Sharper Image, I noticed that the Catalogue itself was pretty fuckin’ funny.

I’ve always assumed BB&B to be at least a step above Fly Mall and one that I believe might be local simply called Home Improvement. Both these catalogues have the kind of products you can easily imagine being pitched and approved on those ‘invention’ game shows. Like the device that bores through the center of a piece of candy to determine what’s inside. If it turns out to be something disgusting, like marzipan, you can just place the perfectly shaped plug you drilled back into the candy, warm it with your fingers and nobody’s the wiser. Genius!

So, when I was going through my BB&B today, I never expected to see ads for ‘ladies leggings’ (no possessive apostrophe for the ‘s’) Meant, I’m sure, to look like a segment of a Rockette’s line of disembodied legs, it resembled more an ad for the movie Human Centipede. This is a movie, which only warrants the trailer, but basically people are connected face to anus. On the opposite page was the Rechargeable Mangroomer. A do-it-yourself back hair shaver. It’s fully adjustable and extendable fellas. I hope it comes with a do-it-yourself first aid kit.

ImageAlso on the same page is a Mr. Beer Deluxe Home Edition Home Brew Kit. This enables you to brew 2 gallons of premium beer in your own keg. The kit also includes ‘beer mix’ and a Mr. Beer Guide. May I just say how sad it is that you can see by the photograph that the keg is made out of plastic?

The cult of the scented candle should be addressed. To my recollection, its origins were hippie crash pads and head shops only to be appropriated by ‘the man’ and Voila! You get Yankee Candle: Fragrance of The Month. The scent for every occasion if those occasions happen to be Christian. Yay! And since we’re all about inclusion...let’s not forget our furry friends and make them feel a part of things with their very own Christmas ornament: Pawprints Ornaments.

Even I don’t pander to that shit with my dogs. I’d like to close this essay with a warning: stay away from Shake Weight! Similar to the vibration plate machine, all I can say is, if you know anything about the fate of flamenco dancers; ‘nuff said! Happy Holidays.

 

Laraine Newman is a founding member of The Groundlings Theatre Company and an original cast member of Saturday Night Live.  She lives in her hometown of Los Angeles with her husband and two daughters.  

Comments   

#1 l.a.amy 2010-12-12 09:01
uh oh. I'm really worried what she's giving me for xmas!

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